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for a while now there has been a quote floating through the internet that has been credited to the Dalai Lama saying that
“The plain fact is that the planet does not need more successful people. But it does desperately need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind. It needs people who live well in their places. It needs people of moral courage willing to join the fight to make the world habitable and humane. And these qualities have little to do with success as we have defined it.”
Actually this was originally a quote by David W.Orr if my research is right, but for the sake of this newsletter it really doesn't matter who said it, but it does hit a nerve. When I first read it on top of a picture of the Dalai Lama I had very mixed feelings about this quote, knowing that it would give a lot of people the excuse they needed to NOT go for their dreams. It would also allow people to feel that it is better for the world that they are not successful and that made me very sad.
Do I disagree with the quote? Not at all. I actually feel it is spot on and we need more people who care for the greater good, who are healers, peacemakers, storytellers and lovers of every kind. But I never understood why that stood in opposition to being successful.
The people I work with are often exactly that: storytellers, healers and lovers of all kind and they are often very successful with it and yet it is this word SUCCESS that often creates a massive resistance in them to actually go out and do what they love most, what they know can touch the hearts of many and may even heal them. They hold back with their talents because being successful has become such a dirty word…
But let me explain: the first thing we need to do is to address what success actually means and especially what it means to you.
As used in this quote, Success is often read as the better lifestyle, the sexy partner, the fancy car, the big house and an overflow of money in the account. Having all you want on the outside. Still I don't see anything wrong with it in its essence, however if the money and the external belongings are all that measures up to equate success we do indeed have a problem.
If the only drive is to have more than the next person, come in first, and accumulate more of what we don't really need, then yes - We don't need more successful people. And I have worked with enough clients who had all that, who were incerdibly successful and yet were incredible unhappy, torn and empty at the beginning of our journey together. They were mostly confused that they can't be happy now that they have achieved what they thought would make them happy..
And here lies the clue to what success really means, at least to me.
The oxford dictionaries define success like this:
The accomplishment of an aim or purpose!
I believe that aim or purpose is always to be happy!!!
Happy with who I am, being able to explore and expand my talents whatever they are. Living what I was put on this earth to do (and that does not have to be some big purpose of healing the world, this can be anything that fills you with joy and makes your heart sing.) Success to me means being able to live those qualities and sustain myself with that in a lifestyle I feel suits me. And if you reach that level of happiness first and it reflects in the house, the car and lifestyle, than that is a beautiful and inspiring thing to see. It always was for me, because it allows others to live their purpose and dreams as well.
But why am I so passionate about this? Because I see so many people who don't allow themselves to be successful. Or when they are they dont allow themsleves to be happy in living their dreams. They sabotage themselves in their successes for various reasons. Some might fear that they will fail along the way and so they hold back, others don't want to take the risk of being laughed at or are scared of what it means when they leave the inner circles they have known. One thing I have learnt over the past 9 years of working with the high achievers in various industries is that THE FEAR OF SUCCESS is as real as the FEAR OF FAILURE.
And often it has to do with what I feared the quote above will do. Success becomes a dirty word!
We might feel judged for our drive. We are afraid of loosing our friends and not being loved the same way we are now. Will they only like me for my achievements then? We might believe that all successful people are liars and therefore we cant allow ourselves to ever be successful.
In the last 2 talks I gave I did an exercise for people to explore their innermost believe about success and about themselves. And interestingly enough in both talks people's mindset around successful people was: They are annoying! And this came from guests whose aim is to be successful. Why would you allow yourself to be something that you won't like?
Do you see the dilemma? In their belief system becoming successful will ultimately mean that they will also become annoying and that they will have to choose. Be nice or be successful.
And of course that has nothing to do with the truth. It is just a belief that will hold you locked in firmly of struggling with being successful.
So I say the world needs successful people, because what the world really needs is people who are happy to be who they truly are, with all their magnificence, sharing their talents. Just imagine the healers, lovers, peacemakers and storytellers we would have. Their aim and purpose of being truly who they are would inspire everyone else to do so and in my humble opinion this sounds a rather beautiful place to be in.
So what are your dreams and desires, what makes you really tick and your heart overflow with joy? And are you aligned with being successful in being that? Are you aligned with being successful in being you and let your world reflect that?
In this week’s trance coaching session we will address exactly that. We will help you not only allow yourself to be successful, but align with your true self and talents, so you can be what you were born to be: You, happy and successful. Everything else is just a script I would advise you not to follow anymore.
Join us in the online trance group here if you are not a member yet. The TC group is a monthly membership where you not only get your regular new trance coachings with what I call a mini workshop before hand, but you also have access to all past trances on Self acceptance, releasing the fear of not being loved, chakra balance and releasing the resistance to positive change and more.
Here is to your success, your magnificence and who you are meant to be!
Isn't that interesting? I was just about to start writing this newsletter on the fear of not being loved and found myself spelling out the fear OF being loved. I feel there is a whole other area we want to look at some time, the fear off actually being loved and what being loved actually means to us, but as always this is one side to a medal that can bring a strong drive into your life as much as it can block you from enjoying your life. The other side of the medal, and what I really want to focus on today is the fear of NOT being loved though and how this is one of the only two fears in our life that everything boils down to.
As I prepare for a big new workshop I will lead this weekend in Salzburg, this topic of the fear of not being loved keeps popping up as one of the key ingredients that leads so many of us to do great things and yet is often the biggest terror that holds us to ransom. But let me explain…
In a culture where so much is valued by the fact if something is liked on Facebook and Instagram or favourited on twitter, this really is just a reflection, and a hugely inflated reflection at that, of what has always been going on in most of our lives. Driven by the basic need to be loved and blocked by the fear to be rejected. A tight space to live in…
As we grow up we learn that we are being rewarded when we behave nicely. “I like you when you are quiet, when you know how to behave amongst grown ups, when you are still while travelling on an airplane” are often things kids get to hear. “Oh isn't he a darling boy, look how well behaved he is!” Sounds familiar?
God forbid you are being a child and laugh out loud, or cry and are being a nuisance to others, mainly the grown ups that don't want to be disturbed. We grow up and pretty early on we learn that if we play our cards right we receive the love from our parents that we want. And if we don't - we don't.
We learn that if we express what we really feel and that doesn't align with their routine, that love is very often pretty quickly pulled away from us. Why do you have to behave that way? Can’t you be more like your brother or the neighbour's daughter? If you play nicely and are quiet on this train ride you will get a nice treat when we get home. And so we go on and our brain starts to make the connections that we have to be a certain way in order to be loved, behave in a certain manner in order to be liked. And as we grow up we might not be told off anymore for playing too loudly in the super market, but we certainly still feel the repercussions.
You might find yourself having a different opinion to everybody else but you won’t express it, for the fear of being laughed at (my friends won't like me then), although you know that you are right and often later on you find that you were right. You might want to change your job, but it doesn't fit into your wife’s or husband’s plans and so you stick out in order to keep the balance right, etc. etc.
All of these are good and almost obvious examples of where we can feel we are holding ourselves back. We almost make a conscious choice here. But I want to take you even deeper to the subconscious decisions we make everyday, that fire off automatically, because we fear we won't be loved if we would make another choice. And this is where the land of paradoxes begins that I see so often in my clients, well in every human being really.
You might be preparing for an interview, you know what you can do and why you would be perfect for that job and yet the moment you are in your meeting it is as if a different personality has taken over. You are coy, begin to dim your light and down play your best qualities. You get nervous and might even talk the interviewer out of hiring you, because deep down your system believes that you shouldn't be so full yourself and that you will be far more liked if you play nice. But guess what happens to the job. That most likely will go to someone who is confident in his qualities and the interviewer knows that he can trust.
This actually happened to a client of mine before we started working. Lets call him John to protect his privacy. Not too long ago John was up for a pretty big job and he shared with me how he found himself in the interview dismantling himself, saying things like “ Well, I can do the job but I won't win any awards for you”. You need to know that he was well aware of the fact, that the interviewer was someone who was always striving to win awards in his fields and would build his team around it.
When we went deep and questioned what really happened in this meeting, that was just one of many, we found out that my client had a deep rooted need to be loved as most of us do. Of course. However in this case it was mixed with the belief that he would only be hired if he was a nice guy and that ultimately meant, that he could only be peceived as a nice guy if he would talk himself down.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying he should have been talking himself up, and go in boasting. Quite the opposite. It would have been more than enough to just be who he is, share what he can do and he would have easily secured the job. But the fear of not being loved prevented him from landing the job he wanted, the job he needed and knew he could easily do. And this is the land of paradox I was talking about before.
John wanted the job. He wanted the producer to like him so he would give him the job. He knew the producer needed to know what John could do in order to like him for the position. But John’s subconscious system put the fear of not being loved above all and made sure that he would walk out of that room being a likeable man.
In order to be liked we do the very thing that prevents us from being liked. Paradox!
Or what I call in my practice a loop. A loop that is not easy to get out of, unless we become aware of it and consciously see that it doesn't make sense for us at all anymore.
John didn’t get the job. The producer went with someone he felt was more capable and grounded in his work. And here is the thing: John is one of the loveliest people you will ever meet and being excited about what he can do, will make him even more likeable.
So my question for you is, where are you pulling a John?
Where do you talk people out of liking you so that they like you?
Where do you dim the very things that make you special so someone hopefully loves you. You see there is the next paradox: How many of us are going out on a date trying to hide the very core of who we are, in the hope that we might be loved. And yet we are hoping to be loved the way we are. Be yourself, be proud and at core with who you are. I dare you to show up and share the things that make you special, so that you can be liked and loved for who YOU truly are. Slowly the fear of not being loved will fade away and you will experience a sense of peace that allows you to make decisions, that are in alignment with what is right for you.
And that usually creates outstanding results, in the truest sense of the word.
If you would like to take this even deeper and help you release the fear of not being loved, please join us in tomorrow’s trance group online.
The Trance Group is an online membership that allows you to take meditation and mindfulness a whole level deeper. Every fortnight on a Thursday we will do a trance caching session on an important topic, helping you to release your blocks and creating new behaviours that allow you to be happier, healthier and more aligned with who you are.
The beauty is that you don't have to be online for a certain time. You can access your new and past trances in your membership area whenever you like and start working in your own timing.
Feel free to join us here:
At the moment there are still a few place available for the founding members price of only £17.- /month and of course there is a 30 day money back guarantee - no questions asked.
Tomorrow’s trance coaching session will be at 1pm London time and we will integrate and release the fear of not being loved, which in turn will allow more true resonance, love and likes into your life. How that works I will explain in tomorrows session.
Sending much love
Good morning all
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