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The fear of not being loved

Isn't that interesting? I was just about to start writing this newsletter on the fear of not being loved and found myself spelling out the fear OF being loved. I feel there is a whole other area we want to look at some time, the fear off actually being loved and what being loved actually means to us, but as always this is one side to a medal that can bring a strong drive into your life as much as it can block you from enjoying your life. The other side of the medal, and what I really want to focus on today is the fear of NOT being loved though and how this is one of the only two fears in our life that everything boils down to.

As I prepare for a big new workshop I will lead this weekend in Salzburg, this topic of the fear of not being loved keeps popping up as one of the key ingredients that leads so many of us to do great things and yet is often the biggest terror that holds us to ransom. But let me explain…

In a culture where so much is valued by the fact if something is liked on Facebook and Instagram or favourited on twitter, this really is just a reflection, and a hugely inflated reflection at that, of what has always been going on in most of our lives. Driven by the basic need to be loved and blocked by the fear to be rejected. A tight space to live in…

As we grow up we learn that we are being rewarded when we behave nicely. “I like you when you are quiet, when you know how to behave amongst grown ups, when you are still while travelling on an airplane” are often things kids get to hear. “Oh isn't he a darling boy, look how well behaved he is!” Sounds familiar?

God forbid you are being a child and laugh out loud, or cry and are being a nuisance to others, mainly the grown ups that don't want to be disturbed. We grow up and pretty early on we learn that if we play our cards right we receive the love from our parents that we want. And if we don't - we don't.

We learn that if we express what we really feel and that doesn't align with their routine, that love is very often pretty quickly pulled away from us. Why do you have to behave that way? Can’t you be more like your brother or the neighbour's daughter? If you play nicely and are quiet on this train ride you will get a nice treat when we get home. And so we go on and our brain starts to make the connections that we have to be a certain way in order to be loved, behave in a certain manner in order to be liked. And as we grow up we might not be told off anymore for playing too loudly in the super market, but we certainly still feel the repercussions.

You might find yourself having a different opinion to everybody else but you won’t express it, for the fear of being laughed at (my friends won't like me then), although you know that you are right and often later on you find that you were right. You might want to change your job, but it doesn't fit into your wife’s or husband’s plans and so you stick out in order to keep the balance right, etc. etc.

All of these are good and almost obvious examples of where we can feel we are holding ourselves back. We almost make a conscious choice here. But I want to take you even deeper to the subconscious decisions we make everyday, that fire off automatically, because we fear we won't be loved if we would make another choice. And this is where the land of paradoxes begins that I see so often in my clients, well in every human being really.

You might be preparing for an interview, you know what you can do and why you would be perfect for that job and yet the moment you are in your meeting it is as if a different personality has taken over. You are coy, begin to dim your light and down play your best qualities. You get nervous and might even talk the interviewer out of hiring you, because deep down your system believes that you shouldn't be so full yourself and that you will be far more liked if you play nice. But guess what happens to the job. That most likely will go to someone who is confident in his qualities and the interviewer knows that he can trust.

This actually happened to a client of mine before we started working. Lets call him John to protect his privacy. Not too long ago John was up for a pretty big job and he shared with me how he found himself in the interview dismantling himself, saying things like “ Well, I can do the job but I won't win any awards for you”. You need to know that he was well aware of the fact, that the interviewer was someone who was always striving to win awards in his fields and would build his team around it.

When we went deep and questioned what really happened in this meeting, that was just one of many, we found out that my client had a deep rooted need to be loved as most of us do. Of course. However in this case it was mixed with the belief that he would only be hired if he was a nice guy and that ultimately meant, that he could only be peceived as a nice guy if he would talk himself down.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying he should have been talking himself up, and go in boasting. Quite the opposite. It would have been more than enough to just be who he is, share what he can do and he would have easily secured the job. But the fear of not being loved prevented him from landing the job he wanted, the job he needed and knew he could easily do. And this is the land of paradox I was talking about before.

John wanted the job. He wanted the producer to like him so he would give him the job. He knew the producer needed to know what John could do in order to like him for the position. But John’s subconscious system put the fear of not being loved above all and made sure that he would walk out of that room being a likeable man.

In order to be liked we do the very thing that prevents us from being liked. Paradox!
Or what I call in my practice a loop. A loop that is not easy to get out of, unless we become aware of it and consciously see that it doesn't make sense for us at all anymore.

John didn’t get the job. The producer went with someone he felt was more capable and grounded in his work. And here is the thing: John is one of the loveliest people you will ever meet and being excited about what he can do, will make him even more likeable.

So my question for you is, where are you pulling a John?
Where do you talk people out of liking you so that they like you?

Where do you dim the very things that make you special so someone hopefully loves you. You see there is the next paradox: How many of us are going out on a date trying to hide the very core of who we are, in the hope that we might be loved. And yet we are hoping to be loved the way we are. Be yourself, be proud and at core with who you are. I dare you to show up and share the things that make you special, so that you can be liked and loved for who YOU truly are. Slowly the fear of not being loved will fade away and you will experience a sense of peace that allows you to make decisions, that are in alignment with what is right for you.

And that usually creates outstanding results, in the truest sense of the word.

If you would like to take this even deeper and help you release the fear of not being loved, please join us in tomorrow’s trance group online.

The Trance Group is an online membership that allows you to take meditation and mindfulness a whole level deeper. Every fortnight on a Thursday we will do a trance caching session on an important topic, helping you to release your blocks and creating new behaviours that allow you to be happier, healthier and more aligned with who you are.

The beauty is that you don't have to be online for a certain time. You can access your new and past trances in your membership area whenever you like and start working in your own timing.
Feel free to join us here:
At the moment there are still a few place available for the founding members price of only £17.- /month and of course there is a 30 day money back guarantee - no questions asked.

Tomorrow’s trance coaching session will be at 1pm London time and we will integrate and release the fear of not being loved, which in turn will allow more true resonance, love and likes into your life. How that works I will explain in tomorrows session.

Sending much love


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